When My Dad Smiles

Oil pastel on paper and magazine collage, 11.8" x11.8"

2024

Being a traditional Asian father, my dad was always strict and authoritarian, holding high expectations for me. Despite my academic achievements, he rarely praised me, choosing instead to remind me to stay humble. For many years, this dynamic created distance between us, leaving me with unresolved feelings. On the day of my university graduation ceremony, I read a letter he had written to me. In it, he shared, "Your dad did not receive much education and could not help you throughout your studies. All your achievements are the fruits of your hard work. I am so proud of you." As I read those words, I burst into tears. At that moment, I realised the depth of my inarticulate feelings towards my dad and our relationship. This revelation inspired me to explore those emotions through my artwork. As I began the creative process, I chose oil pastel, a medium I frequently used for drawing my family as a child. This familiar material helped me recollect memories from my early days. While scrolling through my photo album for reference images, I noticed there were few pictures featuring my dad. After some time, I found an image taken seven years ago, capturing a moment after he completed a hiking event. I decided to depict that moment when he smiled genuinely. While drawing my dad, I focused on his expression. He is not only a traditional Asian dad but also a traditional Chinese man who often withdraws his emotions. When interacting with him, I find myself observing his reactions and guessing his thoughts, which can be quite challenging. Moreover, my dad tends to suppress his own preferences in favour of others, a trait shaped by his upbringing in a collective society. He often responds with "anything" when I ask him about his choices, yet hiking is one area where he has a strong preference. Every year, he participates in an event that requires relentless hiking over 100 kilometres. It is one of the rare occasions that brings him true joy. Additionally, I was actually present at that time, waiting for him at the finish line and cheering him on. It was one of those scarce moments when I truly felt close to him. After completing my dad's figure, I decorated the background with a magazine collage. The orange and blue colours symbolise his energy and calmness respectively. I created wavy lines in contrasting colours to express my ambivalence towards him. I wish for more intimacy, but I fear being rejected. I admire many aspects of my dad, such as his strength and perseverance during hikes, his humble attitude toward others, and his deep care for family. Yet, I struggle with his frequent emotional withdrawal and his hesitation to express love. I also realised that, deep down, I care for him, especially regarding his feelings. However, I find myself mirroring his behaviour, hesitating to express my own emotions to him. Upon finishing the artwork, I presented it to my dad. He responded with a brief smile and offered minimal comments. While our relationship did not change dramatically afterward, we at least acknowledged each other’s care, despite the distance that still remains between us.